The night before we left for Boston.
Right before surgery.
The day before Delivery.
Delivery Day.
I've decided to share this painful part of our journey because it's still an important part of Judah's life and our God story.
Obe bought two lions for the girls to represent Judah
It's amazing how fast life moves us at times from one thing to the next. There's little preparation when you are living life moment to moment, in faith, especially when the unexpected happens. With that said, I honestly never prepared myself for an early Delivery. I don't think we left ourselves any reserve after Boston. We were utterly depleted both physically and emotionally. In a daze we decided to give ourselves one day at home to "recover" for induction.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling totally drained, defeated and violated. By this time it had been 3 days since Judah's death. The stitches from my belly were starting to ooze and stretch and my body felt like it had been hit by a truck. literally. The purpose that had been driving me was gone and for the first time, maybe in my life, I felt like I couldn't physically face my day.
We got to the hospital at 8 am and they tried to prep us for what to expect: First they would start me off with an aggressive pill that would soften my cervix and cause contractions (since my cervix was totally closed), every 4 hours I would receive one of these pills and with each dose labor would get more intense. They told me it would take anywhere from 12 hours to 3 days for delivery. My heart sank. I just wanted them to put me to sleep and wake me up when it was all over.
Then the words came.
"...who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:2
At first I pushed this away, thinking, "what JOY is there in this situation?"...as I pondered that statement I realized that Jesus died for Judah, He died for me, He died for the world and He died for all the pain of this world. For the first time in my life I felt like I was able to understand the sufferings of the cross. I knew that I didn't "deserve" this pain, this suffering, that even though I thought I had nothing left to give I saw that Jesus must've felt the same way, but He depended totally on the Father. 'He is not a God that can not identify with our weakness', His death was the most unjust...He was shamed, violated, abandoned and beaten beyond our human grasp or comprehension. In those moments everything changed. I asked God for Christ's strength to finish well, to give my son the delivery that I gave my daughters, to labor in joy and with honor. I realized that it's easy to "pick up your cross" and follow Jesus when there's still hope but to do so when you know you are laboring for death ... maybe this is what Jesus was talking about.
After I had this change of heart God's provision came quickly. Two of my dear, sweet friends came to visit me while Obe was busy running errands in preparation for delivery. They brightened my day as they listened, laughed and cried with me, they walked the halls with me and helped the time pass by.
At around 6:30 my midwife broke my water and after that everything moved quickly. I was so proud of Obe, he remained so focused and strong for me, comforting and encouraging me through labor. I played all the same music from intervention day, it was beautiful and really helped remind me what this day was all about. Labor was every bit as intense and painful as with Ezra and my first pregnancy (with Mia i had an epidural and never felt a thing), with each painful contraction I literally felt purpose and replenishment...I wasn't trying to be a hero but I needed to feel the pain to bring completeness to his death. After an hour and a half I could tell I was close but was starting to feel sick to my stomach and was afraid I would start throwing up so I asked for an ITN (spinal block), within minutes it was ready and the shot helped me get through the last two contractions and then it was time -- with one push he was out. I will never forget that moment. I felt all the emotional anguish leave me as he was expelled from my body. I was able to cry from a place so deep that it literally washed away all my "why" questions . I knew that God had everything in His hands and that I could choose to rest in that.
Judah Aslan Schroeder was delivered at 8:57 pm, weighing 2 lbs, 11oz and was 13.8 inches long. Our midwife (the same one who delivered Ezzie) was so kind and wonderful to us. It was not his day to be at the hospital but he came and waited all day just for us. We asked for time alone with Judah. That time felt so holy. We cried, prayed and marvelled at every perfect little detail of his body. He had my feet and toes and big muscular legs and Obe's forehead with the "Jorandby" nose. After awhile the rest of our familys' came up to see him. It meant a lot to us to have them come and validate his place in the family.
Judah stayed in the room with us that night, I'm so glad we had that time together, especially for Obe, he moreso than me needed to touch, talk to, and hold him since he was physically removed throughout the pregnancy. I'm so thankful that he did. Judah never got to know how incredibly lucky he was to have such an amazing earthly father.
As I reread the verse, from Hebrews 12, I realized that the verse right before that one talks about the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us, as we, His Body run the race with endurance...
This is what God was asking of us from the beginning: to run the race with faith all the way, receiving the encouragement from the "great cloud of witnesses" (our amazing brothers and sisters who were cheering us on) and to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.
Judah has taught me to keep my eyes fixed on my King, the Author and Perfector of my Faith. He's also taught me to find joy and draw love from a source that can't be obtained on this earth and when the going gets tough: Run the race and finish well; peace, provision and healing will come in the midst of it.
Judah's earthly body has been sent to Boston for further research and understanding on his rare heart defect. Afterwards, his heart will go into a Heart museum there. Again, we are happy to honor his life this way and help other babies with critical heart defects a chance at life.
"Judah" lion cubs.
The lions have helped with talking to our girls about Judah's death. Mia asks tons of questions about him and has come up with several wonderful ways to keep our memories alive. I've been both surprised and delighted at her understanding and sensitivity. She especially likes the idea of Judah dancing in heaven with Jesus and keeping it "crazy" for Him up there, her words, not mine. :) Ezra used to love to kiss my belly and now when she goes to kiss my belly she says, "Judah's bye bye?" and then I tell her she can kiss her lion instead and she totally does!
The lions have helped with talking to our girls about Judah's death. Mia asks tons of questions about him and has come up with several wonderful ways to keep our memories alive. I've been both surprised and delighted at her understanding and sensitivity. She especially likes the idea of Judah dancing in heaven with Jesus and keeping it "crazy" for Him up there, her words, not mine. :) Ezra used to love to kiss my belly and now when she goes to kiss my belly she says, "Judah's bye bye?" and then I tell her she can kiss her lion instead and she totally does!
Memorial/Worship service this Saturday, November 14th @2 pm at Vineyard Community Church.
All are welcome.
255 Najoles Dr
Millersville, Md 21108
This blog is about the 9th baby to receive the same intervention Judah did. He is one of the two babies that have survived. His name is "miracle" Maddox and at 3 weeks old he's still fighting for his life; he's truly a miracle. You can follow their story and pray for him and his family
wow, I am truly inspired by the way you have remained so teachable through this, embracing what the Father has for you. May He bless you with peace as you heal. Love you guys!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing such an intimate and personal part of yourselves. I cried through this post. Partly for sadness, but mostly because there is a holiness about what you've been through. Even through the post, I know you've been hanging out with Jesus in a very special way. Your faith, strength and obedience to keep your eyes fixed on Him, is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteDear Schroeders ~ Thank you for sharing this journey from beginning to, well...new beginning. Through your words, I can hear Christ calling. I want what you have but there is a price. I pray I would be willing to pay it as faithfully as you have. I am thankful I can say I know you. Love you all ~
ReplyDeleteYour writing in this post is profound. I had to reread parts to fully understand.
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting us share in those intimate moments with your family.
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."
John 12:24
I know you've held this verse close in your heart at other times in your life, it holds true in this phase of your life as well.
Your very special journey with Judah has already produced so much fruit and will continue to do so, because you glorified the name of the Lord in his life and even his death (now his eternal life).
May the Lord continue to speak sweetly to you as you continue to process and go about life as a completely changed family.
Love you all, Mary
I know of your family through Jed and Jaime Redcay and was blessed to pray with you all throughout the past few weeks. You are so brave and steadfast in your faith. I continue to pray for you all. Thank you for sharing such a deep and intimate part of yourself with us. May God give you peace and comfort.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, Obe and girls,
ReplyDeleteMy heart is full with love for you and your precious little Judah.
You are constantly in my prayers, and I know that our Heavenly Father is aware of you and that He loves you. Thank you for the beautiful way that you have shared this difficult experience and for your inspiring faith and strength. Your family is an amazing example of light, hope, and love and I don't think you know the impact that you have had on others as you have lived this trial so beautifully.
May God bless you and comfort you now and always.
Alissa Dixon- maddox's mom
Dear Schroeder family,
ReplyDeleteMay the Holy Spirit bring great comfort and peace to all of you during this time, as it is so evident He is already doing.
Your thoughts and insights really are inspiring and encouraging - thanks for sharing all that God has been doing in your lives. You are an example and testimony to many of what only God can do in situations of pain. He is glorified, and He is holding you all in His hands.
Thank you for inspiring me to give Him the glory in all things - no matter the cost.
Love, Tammy Bertrand (fellow former AR YWAMer)
Have been watching for this post daily and thinking of you throughout each day. So deeply lovely to see the heart of flesh in you guys through each day of these last months... so many chances to let your heart go to stone.... yet so many praying and battling for you.... and you've kept submitting to His Hand.... His Victory is clear -- in such sorrow and pain, your hearts are stronger and softer. (cont)
ReplyDelete(cont ) You have been melted and molded... what a beautiful creation you both are. I am so sad to have to wait until heaven to see this little fighter named Aslan. I think I'll get myself a stuffed lion, too :-) And I'll keep thinking of all his crazy fun with Jesus, like Mia! Missing and loving you across the miles, Angie
ReplyDeleteThis is Theresa from the Boston Vineyard again. Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about and praying for your family. Thanks for sharing your story, its really powerful to hear how God has moved even through this. I had a brother who died at 4 days old from a heart defect. I pray that your family continue to feel God's touch.
ReplyDelete