On This Day....

{Big Breath}

Today at school

It's been a long time.  If blog sites could collect dust this one would be inches thick and covered with cobwebs.  Gotta say, it's one of the things I love about the internet -- it doesn't matter how much neglect or laziness, you can always jump back in with no cleaning involved!

Such a weird feeling coming back here after so many years.  These posts almost feel like another lifetime ago.  From an almost distant part of me. Of course I'm still the same person.  I read these words and instantly recognize my voice.  The deepest part of me.  I must admit though, this isn't my first time back.  Once every couple years around this time, usually on a night I can't sleep or a random google search on my computer that thinks it's for this site will lead me here. Like a faraway place, once I'm there. I'm captivated.  I'm all in.  It hurts so good. It's a gateway into a life we almost lived.  Like visiting an ancient ruin. There was life here once.
I originally started this blog with the intention of sharing our adventures of living in Turkey and then it quickly evolved to sharing about our 3rd child, Judah - when neither came to fruition in the way I had imagined, it just felt odd to continue and rebuild from this foundation.
But, like the Great Rumi poet says, "the wound is the place the Light enters you." 

We experienced not only the warmth and security of Light but also the illumination of a new path shortly after these 'deaths'.  It was the part of my journey that I needed to unfold by myself.  For so many years we had done what was expected of us. Everything in my life as a matter-of-fact was 'planned' based on who I thought I should be and not entirely on who I was made to be.  I hope that makes sense. 

And then all of a sudden there was no direction. I felt lost. The only invitation that came out of that season was to just learn how To Be. In the present. And not in a way that was building for something else more grand in the faraway future. I didn't quite know how to process that out loud but to just open my hands and receive it.  My daily bread.  My grateful portion. I wanted to make my moments last. I wanted to rediscover who I was. 
Grief, for a time, took away my far-sighted vision. It helped me to see more clearly what was right in front of me. Readjust the lens to focus more on today. Instead of tomorrows.

So, why am I here now?  For the past several months I've been receiving, through Facebook, the "On This Day" update.  I'm pretty sure everyone with a facebook account gets this update. We live in a world of massive inflow of information. Most of it is 'filler' stuff to keep us distracted from the present, the future, the task-at-hand. We refer to it as "news". All in all we are constantly processing, filtering, evolving and being pushed along like the tide.
As I've said before, I live in the future. Because of this sometimes irritating part of my personality I have a tendency to move on quickly; giving my whole heart to something only to change directions when a fresh wave of inspiration takes me somewhere else. This daily notification has put a wrench in this mode of thinking.  I see patterns now.  Seasonal and situational.  Chosen beautiful moments shared.  Dis-jointed through time.  How quickly the years run together. Over the past several weeks, almost daily, I've been receiving updates from that time many moons ago where I carried my 3rd Miracle in my belly. He had my whole heart and filled my world with so much wonder and change. As I've been, in a way, reliving that time while going through my daily motions I realize how many layers we carry. Everyday we are new.  How infinitely we are changed by the fusion of past & present -- they are the Truths we carry.  We don't forget the pains and pleasures of yesterday, we integrate and allow them to transform us and make us what we are today.

The love I have for my Judah and all that he represented for our life is as big as the space that each of my other three children hold. He was our game-changer. He broke us, maybe for the better, i don't know, but Life after him somehow seemed more acutely real and more meaningful. That's what loss does. In all it's cruelness, it causes us to view life as incredibly precious. Life afterwards is just different. It reminds us to hold on to what we actually have. That we only get one shot at it. Each day is a gift. It says, in one hand Hold On but in the other hand Open Up & Lift Up into the sky. We're promised many good things but not tomorrow. And if you're someone like me that waits for tomorrow, you can really miss out.

Today I'm thinking about Judah. Past, Present, Future. He's in the fabric of it all. Our life is not just the now and not yet. Almost all of what we experience today and tomorrow is a direct result of On This Days from our past. Dwelling on the past can be dangerous but it's so good to reflect and remember what brought us here today. The people that touch our lives, the choices (continually) made or (continually) not made, the opportunities (continually) taken or (continually) passed up - that's all real. It stays with us. It's what we are today. Judah Aslan would have been 6 years old. But I don't think of him that way. I think of him exactly as he was and always will be -- my most precious PRESENT.  
Now is what we are given. 

2010

2011

2012

2013

This isn't meant to be a one-time post. It's just where I'm at today.  I hope to keep writing more regularly.  My random musings.  This is where I'll start. 

Out of these ashes...

...Beauty will rise.

They say that life is what happens while we're busy making other plans. 


The first couple weeks after our son's delivery can only be described as Grace. We couldn't deny God's peace, His presence was so real, so tangible, so all encompassing. Obe took the week off to stay home and we as a family did nothing but reflect, care for, embrace, worship God, and love on one another. I worked on Judah's scrapbook, organized his celebratory Memorial Service, wrote letters to him, and tearfully read all the beautiful books, cards, notes, and messages that had been given to us. Even though he wasn't in our arms we relished in him with our every thought and action. That time was a gift. But just like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. And shortly after, when the glitter was gone, and all but swept away we were left with the ashes of what remained. 

Beauty for Ashes. A promise that encapsulates God's redemption. The months following have been a slow and painful journey towards healing and rebuilding of our lives....but through the ashes we've found a renewed hope and beauty that's worth far more than we could've planned for.

As I type this, we are in the midst of an Epic, record-breaking Snow Storm that has literally froze thousands of people in their tracks and rerouted the lives' of millions. And as we prepare for yet another huge hit, I'm reminded, once again that sometimes when the storms of life come they seem to come in waves and with such unrelenting force that you can only choose acceptance, and as a result there is pain, frustration, disappointment... and many even become trapped. 

But Praise be to the God of Redemption for He can melt even the coldest of winters...

Grief is a powerful force. It's through life's tragedies that we come face to face with our own true humanity. It's been three months and a one week since we lost our baby. Some days my arms ache for my son, especially this week, his original due date. There are still moments when I feel like we have been frozen in time, and kicked off the track, never to fully find our way back. I used to think that time heals all heartache; that with a positive attitude mixed with a pinch of faith, albeit denial you can survive anything.  I still think this is true...if the goal is merely survival. HOWEVER, if maturity is the goal and to really Live and Love and Thrive there must be a deep acknowledgement and even yielding to, of death and disappointment. 
I'm learning that some hurts can only be bound by the Father's Love, Discipline and sweet embrace. In the past week, as grief has laid its heaviest assault I have been blown away by the fullness of the Father's love as my own lack has been exposed. He's met me, even or especially in my disappointment.  When we are weak, He is strong...He is Faithful and Just and recently He's been stripping away my self-reliance and bringing me into the fullness of sonship. I'm realizing that a secure and blessed life can not be characterized by our circumstances. This is an allusion. To be rooted, grounded and held together in God's love is the best place to be. Even the mustard seed, when properly cultivated and cared for can grow strong and mature; providing shade and rest for the birds of the air. 


Romans 8 says,  "28And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, and to those who are called according to His purpose."...33Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness?...37But in all things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, or things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the Love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 


This is my prayer.


He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime...I know that everything that God does will remain forever; their is nothing to add to it and there is nothing to take from it. ~ Ecl. 3:10

THANK YOU again to everyone that showered us with love. We were absolutely humbled by the donations, hospitality, flowers, remedies, books, special music, food baskets, cards, messages, pictures, keepsakes and prayers...and all for our little unborn baby. We will cherish them always.  
And now as this chapter of our lives slowly comes to a new beginning we are once again moving forward, changed forever by the measure of  God's Glory, Love, and Mercy.

Deliverance 11/7/09

The night before we left for Boston.

Right before surgery.

                                                             The day before Delivery.

So many people have emailed me sharing their dissappointment and heartbreak over Judah's death...they prayed, along with us, for God's healing and intervention for our son. Hundreds of people believed that God was going to gloryify Himself through Judah's life, and all the promises, visions, and specific words during prayer seemed to reinforce this resolve. We know that God could've easily saved him, but He didn't. I remember the moments as we watched his heart slowly stop beating, we cried out to God that He "HAD" to save him...that He promised us He would...and that we knew that He could...it would be nothing for Him in His power to do so. As we continued to watch in disbelief there was something in me that thought, "God, what about all those people that are believing for a miracle...don't You want to show Yourself?! There was just mind-numbing silence and a painful feeling deep within me that He was Glorifying Himself, just not how we had expected.

Delivery Day.
I've decided to share this painful part of our journey because it's still an important part of Judah's life and our God story.

Obe bought two lions for the girls to represent Judah

It's amazing how fast life moves us at times from one thing to the next. There's little preparation when you are living life moment to moment, in faith, especially when the unexpected happens. With that said, I honestly never prepared myself for an early Delivery. I don't think we left ourselves any reserve after Boston. We were utterly depleted both physically and emotionally. In a daze we decided to give ourselves one day at home to "recover" for induction.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling totally drained, defeated and violated. By this time it had been 3 days since Judah's death. The stitches from my belly were starting to ooze and stretch and my body felt like it had been hit by a truck. literally. The purpose that had been driving me was gone and for the first time, maybe in my life, I felt like I couldn't physically face my day.

We got to the hospital at 8 am and they tried to prep us for what to expect: First they would start me off with an aggressive pill that would soften my cervix and cause contractions (since my cervix was totally closed), every 4 hours I would receive one of these pills and with each dose labor would get more intense. They told me it would take anywhere from 12 hours to 3 days for delivery. My heart sank. I just wanted them to put me to sleep and wake me up when it was all over.

Then the words came.

"...who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."    ~Hebrews 12:2

At first I pushed this away, thinking, "what JOY is there in this situation?"...as I pondered that statement I realized that Jesus died for Judah, He died for me, He died for the world and He died for all the pain of this world. For the first time in my life I felt like I was able to understand the sufferings of the cross. I knew that I didn't "deserve" this pain, this suffering, that even though I thought I had nothing left to give I saw that Jesus must've felt the same way, but He depended totally on the Father. 'He is not a God that can not identify with our weakness', His death was the most unjust...He was shamed, violated, abandoned and beaten beyond our human grasp or comprehension. In those moments everything changed. I asked God for Christ's strength to finish well, to give my son the delivery that I gave my daughters, to labor in joy and with honor. I realized that it's easy to "pick up your cross" and follow Jesus when there's still hope but to do so when you know you are laboring for death ... maybe this is what Jesus was talking about.

After I had this change of heart God's provision came quickly. Two of my dear, sweet friends came to visit me while Obe was busy running errands in preparation for delivery. They brightened my day as they listened, laughed and cried with me, they walked the halls with me and helped the time pass by.

At around 6:30 my midwife broke my water and after that everything moved quickly. I was so proud of Obe, he remained so focused and strong for me, comforting and encouraging me through labor. I played all the same music from intervention day, it was beautiful and really helped remind me what this day was all about. Labor was every bit as intense and painful as with Ezra and my first pregnancy (with Mia i had an epidural and never felt a thing), with each painful contraction I literally felt purpose and replenishment...I wasn't trying to be a hero but I needed to feel the pain to bring completeness to his death. After an hour and a half I could tell I was close but was starting to feel sick to my stomach and was afraid I would start throwing up so I asked for an ITN (spinal block), within minutes it was ready and the shot helped me get through the last two contractions and then it was time -- with one push he was out. I will never forget that moment. I felt all the emotional anguish leave me as he was expelled from my body. I was able to cry from a place so deep that it literally washed away all my "why" questions . I knew that God had everything in His hands and that I could choose to rest in that.

Judah Aslan Schroeder was delivered at 8:57 pm, weighing 2 lbs, 11oz and was 13.8 inches long. Our midwife (the same one who delivered Ezzie) was so kind and wonderful to us. It was not his day to be at the hospital but he came and waited all day just for us. We asked for time alone with Judah. That time felt so holy. We cried, prayed and marvelled at every perfect little detail of his body. He had my feet and toes and big muscular legs and Obe's forehead with the "Jorandby" nose. After awhile the rest of our familys' came up to see him. It meant a lot to us to have them come and validate his place in the family.
Judah stayed in the room with us that night, I'm so glad we had that time together, especially for Obe, he moreso than me needed to touch, talk to, and hold him since he was physically removed throughout the pregnancy. I'm so thankful that he did. Judah never got to know how incredibly lucky he was to have such an amazing earthly father.

As I reread the verse, from Hebrews 12,  I realized that the verse right before that one talks about the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us, as we, His Body run the race with endurance...
This is what God was asking of us from the beginning: to run the race with faith all the way, receiving the encouragement from the "great cloud of witnesses" (our amazing brothers and sisters who were cheering us on) and to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

Judah has taught me to keep my eyes fixed on my King, the Author and Perfector of my Faith. He's also taught me to find joy and draw love from a source that can't be obtained on this earth and when the going gets tough: Run the race and finish well; peace, provision and healing will come in the midst of it.

Judah's earthly body has been sent to Boston for further research and understanding on his rare heart defect. Afterwards, his heart will go into a Heart museum there. Again, we are happy to honor his life this way and help other babies with critical heart defects a chance at life.

"Judah" lion cubs.
 The lions have helped with talking to our girls about Judah's death. Mia asks tons of questions about him and has come up with several wonderful ways to keep our memories alive. I've been both surprised and delighted at her understanding and sensitivity. She especially likes the idea of Judah dancing in heaven with Jesus and keeping it "crazy" for Him up there, her words, not mine. :) Ezra used to love to kiss my belly and now when she goes to kiss my belly she says, "Judah's bye bye?" and then I tell her she can kiss her lion instead and she totally does!

Memorial/Worship service this Saturday, November 14th @2 pm at Vineyard Community Church.

All are welcome.

255 Najoles Dr

Millersville, Md 21108

http://sweetheartmaddox.blogspot.com/. 

This blog is about the 9th baby to receive the same intervention Judah did. He is one of the two babies that have survived. His name is "miracle" Maddox and at 3 weeks old he's still fighting for his life; he's truly a miracle. You can follow their story and pray for him and his family

Praise the King!

On behalf of our family we want to thank everyone again for giving so much of yourselves in standing with us for our son. We are overwhelmed with the love that has been poured out on us and of course are forever grateful for your prayers and support for our sweet, precious, perfect, baby Judah.


Although, we are suffering for the life we wanted to share with him, we have such peace and confidence in knowing where he is and that he is no longer struggling, there is no more pain... he is truly made new and perfect and whole. Thank you Jesus.

I'm so thankful that we can say with full assurance that we fought the good fight and have finished the course and have kept the faith...we gave Judah everything we had to give and we would've gladly given him more but God in His mercy and sovereignty knows all things and is above all things and we continue to Hope in Him and look forward to the day when we meet Judah Aslan in Glory.
His life has profoundly impacted ours and we will always "Praise our King" for entrusting us with such a uniquely precious gift. He will remain in our hearts forever.

"For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, 
and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,
when as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would out number the sand, when I awake, I am still with You."
                                                                                                   ~psalm 139

Praise the Lord! Praise our Maker! Sing songs of Praise and thanksgiving to our King for He is dealt kindly with us and nothing is ever really lost when we commit our lives to Jesus.
We are so grateful that we were with Judah as his heart rate lowered and that we were able to tell him that we loved him as he was slipping away from us, he knew we pleaded for his life and that we fought for him with all our strength, and in the end we committed him into the Everlasting arms of his Creator.

Thank you again, our dear wonderful friends!
We also want to thank the incredible people at Boston's Children's Hospital for the care and ongoing work they are doing in Fetal interventions; offering hope and life to families with congenital heart defects. We absolutely believe in the extraordinary, life-saving work they are performing. They have asked us to offer Judah's body for continued research in this area, as they do not know what exactly caused his death.
We are honored to do so and hope that his life would not be in vain but that in some ways the world would be a better place because of him and that his story would continue to heal many more hearts...

*my girls and I have played this song probably a hundred times and each time it would come on they would stop whatever they were doing and squeal with shouts of joy and excitement, "It's Judah's SONG!!!"  and would lift their hands up to heaven and dance before God as they proclaimed Judah's wholeness. This song/painting is very special to us:

Intervention Day

Today is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Judah and I will be in surgery from 11:30-1:30 (approx. 2 hours).
We are standing up against insurmountable odds, since he is the 10th baby to receive this intervention (with 2 survivors leading the way) and with quite possibly the most severe heart defect (at this stage in pregnancy) that they have operated on in-utero. Lucky for us, we serve a God that does not shrink back in opposition but goes forward victoriously and specializes in the "impossible" and extraordinary. We feel like the luckiest most blessed parents in the world (as bizarre as that may sound right now) to be receiving this intervention and be where we are right now: in the love, care and grace of the Best hands in the world (literally and figuratively).

There's a song I've been listening to in preparation for our fetal intervention today. It's by Watermark called "Mended":

You repair all that we have torn apart and
You unveil a new beginning in our hearts and
We stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us


Chorus:
You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you
(to you, oh Lord, to you)


We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us


-Chorus-
Bridge:


Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best, but what we thought was better
And you are to be praised


You are to be praised (4x)


-Chorus-
(to you, oh Lord, mender of the broken)

Through this entire journey it's been the songs and praises of the Lord that have been my weapons of warfare and brought me to quiet still waters, refreshing my soul. God has put a new song in my heart and it's a song of thanksgiving and praise. My faith has been fortified through worship and praise and I love my King and will indeed praise Him all the days of my life. To God be the glory forever and ever!

Dear Judah, my sweet precious baby Your deliverer is coming...we love you so much! Continue to be the strong, feisty little lion that we know you are but also please cooperate with the doctors today they know what's best for you. :)
Jesus, continue to hold our baby close and protect him, strengthen him, let their be no pain, we commit him to you, now and always.

"Aslan is on the Move!"

This morning I woke up with these words on my heart, "Aslan is on the move",  granted it probably had something to do with Ezra waking me up at 5 am roaring and proclaiming she was a lion,  (it's funny now but it wasn't then) we've been talking a lot about lions lately with the girls since Judah's middle name is Aslan, turkish for "Lion" :).... Anyway, for the past couple days I've felt a growing anticipation and stirring in my heart that the King is on the move and responding to our cry in big ways, I've also felt the manifestation of it with a very active little "lion" cub in my tummy. :)

I just wanted to update everyone on how Judah's doing and other news:

Yesterday I had my Level II Fetal monitoring (that I've been dreading to go to all week). Last week the doctor (the same one that encouraged me to get an abortion because he thought my baby would not be able live a "normal" life) told me that it didn't look good and that Judah was entering into critical danger with evidence of hydrops and heart failure and that he didn't know if he would make it to intervention day. Well, whatever his purposes were they were used for good because it really got us on our knees praying for "God's intervention" and for Him to slow down/stop the process of Hydrops and polyhydramnios and for the surgery to be moved up if at all possible.

So, yesterday at the sonogram we were all pleased to find that Judah's condition seemed to be stabilized and there was only little evidence of increased fluids in his abdomen, heart and under his skin in his head. There was also only a slight increase in my amniotic fluids and evidence of a full bladder, meaning he's receiving more than he was! Praise God!!

Then this morning I received a call from the Boston hospital that they were moving up surgery day to Monday- Tuesday (Nov.2nd and 3rd)!!! Another huge answer to prayer as each day is critical for Judah right now. Earlier in the week I was told that it may not be till Thursday, so needless to say receiving this call was a HUGE relief.

I want to thank everyone again for your support and PRAYERS! We literally feel them and can see God at work as a result.

At church on Sunday we were so blessed and encouraged to receive corporate prayer and also at the women's retreat I attended this past weekend.
In addition, a dear friend of ours has organized a "Round the Clock Prayer" calendar for us during this next week. We will be keeping her updated so if you would like to participate and receive updates and prayer requests you can email Jaime at:  jjredcay@aol.com.

God is gracious and compassionate and always answers us in His perfect timing. There were times this week where dissappointment and fear gripped my heart and lingered beyond what I felt I could bear but God sustained me through it all and even though at times I lack faith and patience He still remains faithful and is unphased by my weakness; He will accomplish the things that He's set forth to accomplish. This is a promise I can trust.

A friend of mine shared Romans 5 with me and I've been meditating on it all week:
"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ., through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in Hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope; and Hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts though the Holy Spirit who was given to us, FOR WHILE WE WERE STILL HELPLESS, AT THE RIGHT TIME CHRIST DIED FOR US."

Decision. Blessed be this road...

The past 7 weeks can only be described as an emotional roller coaster filled with ups and downs, turning our world inside out and spinning us in directions we could never have imagined.

Yesterday was another one of those days. It seems that we have been faced with some difficult decisions...

But there is still hope.

Our cardiologist after looking at the progress of Judah's heart (after only 4 days from our last echocardiogram) concluded that he is not getting better and in fact the fluid build up is starting to spread into his abdomen and he is in critical danger of hydrops and heart failure. At just over 23 weeks gestation our baby is continuing to fight for his life, even against all odds and it seems that on his own he may not have enough strength to fight for the remaining 13 weeks.

So, here we are again.
God, "you lead the blind by a way they do not know, in paths they do not know you guide them. You will make darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains. These are the things You will do and You will not leave them undone." ~Isaiah 42:16

It seems like Judah's best option is to undergo an in utero intervention. The Boston Children's heart specialist who performs these experimental procedures called us yesterday when we got home and interviewed Obe and I to make sure that we could be candidates for this extraordinary surgery. It seems with Judah's unique condition (the enlarged left-ventricle instead of a hypoplastic ventricle) that he is a perfect candidate.

Even though this procedure is still relatively ground-breaking and new (they've performed less than 10 similar surgeries to Judah's condition) they think his odds are favorable. Right now they are mobilizing their team of ten world-class surgeons and nurses and preparing for us to come Oct. 31st. This is the soonest they can get the entire team together and right now time is not on our side as I am also developing a serious condition related to Judah's heart called, Polyhydramnios, in which my 23 week belly is filling up with too much amniotic fluid making me look more like 35 weeks pregnant. My tummy is very tight and swollen and if it goes untreated without being drained it could result in preterm labor/ and or growth restriction for my baby. I feel as though I'm getting bigger by the hour!! And my back and lungs are starting to feel the pressure too.

The surgery will basically take place in two parts:
The first procedure will be to balloon open up the aortic valve. In this procedure they will put a large needle through my belly through the womb and straight into Judah's heart in which they will attempt to balloon open the valve and release the blood and fluid build up hoping to get his valve working again. The second procedure will be like the first but this time they will insert the needle into the upper chamber of his heart to make a hole to allow passage between the valves. After that or maybe before they will place a plastic straw-like tube into my stomach to drain some of the amniotic fluid from my uterus.

We are so grateful to the Lord for His guiding hand every step of the way.

Already we feel like He has provided and gone to extraordinary lengths to confirm this next step.

~ We received a large, very unexpected check from a group of dear friends of ours just last week that will cover air-fare and this months bills since Obe has had to take off so much work and will have to take off at least another week for our surgery in Boston.

~About a month ago a good friend of mine had a picture during prayer of God cracking open Judah's (enlarged) womb and handing him a string and then closing the womb back up and placing it back (smaller than before) in my belly. I remember when she relayed this picture to me it seemed very abstract and unrelated to anything. Now I'm just amazed at its profound meaning to what will be happening.

~Also, totally unexpected a friend from the past that I have not seen or talked to in the past 11 years happened to stumble on my blog the other night just after coming home from the Boston's children's heart hospital where she was visiting her niece who also has a congenital heart defect. This friend was able to tell us all about the hospital and has even invited Obe and I and our girls to stay at her home, watch our kids and be a resource to us during out time. Oh and did I mention that her niece's doctor is the same one performing the surgery?!

~And of course putting us in the hands of one of the best fetal cardiac heart specialists in the world. This opportunity alone speaks of God's sovereignty.

Although there are many obstacles on our path right now and the road seems to become increasingly more narrow and difficult we feel that God is continuing to lead the way and has remained 5 steps ahead of us providing our every need before we even realize it.
We continue to remind ourselves that this is Judah's story that He is writing and even though we would not choose this for him, God knows what's best, and knows what we can handle and that's good enough. We know that there is no other place we can fall but into the faithful, loving arms of Jesus.

I continue to be touched by the many kindnesses being shown to our family right now. Your prayers, emails, phone calls, reaching out and acts of generosity are a testimony to us of God's love and tender mercies. You have been an example to us. Thank you!